"[Satire] Exclusive Pokémon GO previews!"

#PokemonGO: Greetings, Trainers! There are so many exciting events and challenging...challenges coming to Pokémon GO. Let's jump right in!Gyms are now calibrated to be 2.5 meters further away than they look. Trainers love the feeling of opening a gym only for their in-game avatar to take a few steps away. Now even the best internet connections can savor the feeling of that expanding ring shrinking back down again for a fleeting moment!Eggs are gone! Just like that. Trainers have been giving their feedback, and we've listened! Incubator events and special boxes are adding a level of complexity to the everyday experience that we feel are counterproductive. Instead of Eggs, Trainers will now receive a completely random Pokémon from spinning a PokéStop or Gym! These Pokémon are designated as Special Friends, and in order to release them, you must walk a number of kilometers specific to the Pokémon, ranging from 2 to 100.Every Pokémon is now Deino! Trainers, you didn't need that perfect Shadow Mewtwo anyways. Remember, Dragon-type Pokémon deal super effective damage to other Dragon-type Pokémon!Cross promotional raids! Want to catch a Goku? If you're lucky, it'll have even shinier hair! You might even get a super rare Hamlet or Macbeth raid! Even that robot from Aqua Teen Hunger Force can show up...hope your Carl-type Pokémon can tell it to get off their friggin' lawn!The correct Team Rocket leaders are now more interesting to find! Trainers, have you spent 3 days looking for Arlo, only to be served up an all you can fight Cliff buffet? Thanks to our cross promotion with local Burger King restaurants, county golf course inspectors, people named Steve, Yellowstone National Park, and 78% of feral cats, Rocket Leaders can appear Literally Anywhere™ regardless of internet access!Last but not least, Missingno raids! If you can catch 9 Unown in a row that spell out MISSINGNO, your phone will suddenly claim to be in the middle of a bugged update! This is just part of the fun - don't worry. (Unless you're on iOS 14.0.1 or earlier, in which case the damage is real.) Missingno's base stats and typing are determined by the 12th app on your phone's main screen - watch out, Tinder and online banking aficionados!We look forward to more of your money good work, Trainers! via /r/pokemongo https://ift.tt/3jkfrj4